Broken hearted

It's one thing when a guy breaks your heart. You may not like it, but you are smart enough to consider it as a possibility and accept the risk. Friends can break your trust and your heart too. Sometimes it's worse, less expected. You don't think of friends when you hear "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do" although is does happen sometimes.

Recently I experienced something worse. My heart was broken... by my kid. I know it sounds ridiculous. Sure, I imagined the teenage years would be awful -- harsh words spoken in anger; the struggle for independence shaking our relationship. I didn't expect it at 5. I didn't expect that cruelty could come from his mouth, aimed at me so casually. Somehow, I foolishly thought that the sweetness of our bond would forever be cocooned, inherently preventing us from lashing out.

I was wrong.

This is the greatest job in the world. But somedays... it just sucks.

How to Say I'm Sorry

Nothing pisses me off more than a person who gets angry with me for being angry with them. It happens all the time. A friend does something thoughtless -- and uses my frustration as an opportunity to throw some unresolved issue back at me. Here are some of my "How to Apologize Tips" for all you poor apologizers out there. (You know who you are!)

1) BE HUMBLE. If you have made a mistake, own it! Don't give excuses, explanations or tell me how much my displeasure bothers you. You made a mistake. You would be amazed how fast the whole process goes when you can simply say, "I know that I hurt you and I'm sorry." I'm not looking for groveling... just sincerity. Humility. Don't use my anger as an excuse to be angry with me.

2) Be forthcoming. If you apologize AFTER I have laid out all my feelings, it feels insincere, as though you are only apologizing to get me off your back. Own it right away. Bring it to me first... and again, things will go much quicker.

3) Don't tell me that I think I am perfect. Au contraire, mon frere. But this situation has nothing to do with me. You hurt me. No matter how big a jerk I am, it doesn't mean that what you did is right. I could be the biggest ass in the world -- but I still deserve hearing "I'm sorry" when you have made a mistake. If you are angry with me about something, please bring it. I am happy to discuss it and apologize myself. But it's not tit for tat.

The art of apology is seriously lacking in our society. It's something we need to work on. It's the glue that keeps our relationships together. We all screw up. Let's find a way to be respectful.

Oh, and... I'm sorry if I offended anyone with this post.

LOL

Playdates

Ah, playdates... the cornerstone of any stay at home mom's existence. As adults, we convince ourselves that our kiddos require social interaction with other kids their age. It's not a bad notion, as parenting ideas go. It just makes me wonder how we as adults would do in the same situation.

Picture this: your spouse brings home someone you have never met before, or know only superficially and encourages you to go play. The new person (we'll call them Alex for convenience of antecedent) is "about your age" and your gender, clearly two key components for getting along. Alex proceeds to touch all your belongings and treat them as if they are her own. She logs onto your computer and checks email, surfs the web and tosses the keyboard aside when she's done. She then proceeds to go into your bedroom, try on your favorite skinny jeans (damn if she doesn't look better in them than you do!) and drinks your last Diet Coke. You try to occupy yourself with other things, but feel increasingly anxious as Alex rifles through your other belongings looking for something fun to do. 

Just as you are about to post a giant "Don't Touch! It's Mine" sign in each room, you find her on the couch, watching one of your favorite old movies. At last! Common interest! You share a chuckle and settle in just as your spouse looks at his watch and announces it's time for Alex to leave.

2 hours of discomfort for 5 minutes of joy.

Almost a year!

Wow! I cannot believe it has almost been a year since I last blogged. It's amazing how a bad computer and a five year old in the house can annihilate one's ability to share their thoughts. 

Right now I am typing on my new wireless keyboard, at my new Mac mini in my sun drenched "sunroom" feeling rather lucky. And grateful. I think I will savor this one and come back in a bit.

Good to be back. :-)

2 Kinds of People

There are many ways to separate people into groups. Historically, race and religion have been the two biggies, forming lines that have justified wars and wreaked havoc with people's lives.

My husband thinks that there are two kinds of people in the world -- those who are Italian and those who wish they were. He might have something with that... however for me, there is an even more profound distinction between people than the color of their skin, what nationality they are or the god(s) they worship. It is more profound because it actually affects how people interact with me personally.

I believe there are two kinds of people also. But my categories are a bit different -- there are people who will get something done no matter the obstacles and people who will give you excuses for why it can't be done. The "Get 'Er Done" group vs. the "Here's Why It Can't be Done" group. I believe I fall into the former.

Here's a small example. My son, who is 4 years old, wanted to play with a Thomas Lego set. The set included pieces to make a station, a few signs and an oval track. Normally we build it as it appears on the box and all is well. This past weekend he decided he wanted to build a really tall tower instead of the regular station, piling lego on top of lego on top of lego. He asked my brother to help. My brother ( a card carrying member of the "excuses" group") started to explain why it couldn't be done... and he was right.. mostly. If we built it very high it wouldn't be able to stand on its own; the balance of the station would be off and the whole thing would crash. My son listened for a minute and then turned to me and asked me to help him instead. It was as if he was saying "Ok, Uncle Bill, I hear you... but I still want to make this happen so you can stop talking now."

I jumped in and created a big platform halfway up with tower and then started building on the other side of the platform so the pieces were balanced. We achieved the height goal and still managed to keep things in balance. Was it pretty? NO. Was it perfect? NO. But did we get it done? Absolutely yes.

Now I don't look down upon the excuses group. No, not at all. They have their standards. If it can't be done the way it is SUPPOSED to be done, then it is not worth doing. You have to admire them for keeping their standards. For them, the emphasis is on the "right way" vs. "the wrong way." For us "get 'er done" folks, it's all about the achievement itself.

Some folks call me a pitbull. Or headstrong. I lilke to think of it in more positive terms... when it comes to reaching my goals, there is nothing that can stop me. Even if the end result is a little ugly.
So what kind of person are you?

Raising the BAR.. again

I'll admit that I am far from "green" as new standards go. We recycle the obvious, and we try not to overuse paper products... but I am not as forward thinking as perhaps Al Gore wishes I were. Sometimes I get a guilty tickle at the back of my mind as I shop... thinking that it's time to bring the recyclable bags with me to the grocery store or to reconsider the type of household cleansers I use.

This week it was about plastic. As I grabbed a refill of liquid soap for my kitchen and bathroom soap dispensers, I pictured landfills overflowing with these colorful containers promising "softer hands" and antibacterial benefits. Naiively I thought I was doing a good thing by puchasing the mondo refill container instead of picking up the 2 for $3 dispensers. But really now. When did bar soap become so passe?

Growing up, all I remember is bar soap. There was still a crazy variety -- for some reason we seem to think that cleaning our hands requires frangrance, texture and shape selections. As if our individuality hinged on our soap choices. We didn't have liquid soap (okay, so I am totally dating myself here... let's look past that part, ok?) Washing your hands involved picking up the bar of soap, moving it around between your hands and scrubbing. Hmmm... somewhere along the line, someone obviously thought that was too much work, so they invented liquid soap. So much easier, right? You pump it into your hand, move it around between your hands and scrub. SOooooo much easier.

Somehow the whole American population jumped on the bandwagon. Every single person I know has liquid soap in their homes. EVERY ONE. The dispensers are just adorable....little ladybugs sliding up and down inside to encourage your children to wash. Slinky, curvy bottles of perfumey liquid so that you smell delicious AND clean. They are different colors, different smells, different shapes. Frankly, that bar soap sitting there in its bland cardboard box seems.... well, just so unattractive.

Could switching back to bar soap be one of the easiest green choices to make? Why don't we hear more about this one? Until they create a cardboard container for the liquid stuff, I'm going to have to say -- Put down the plastic dispensers, folks, and no one gets hurt. It's time to raise the bar... again.

What's missing here?

I spend a good portion of each day searching for "the missing toy." This is really a misnomer, as there is not ONE missing toy, but a series of missing toys each day that rotates, depending on what Derek is playing with. He could be surrounded by 100 toys and he will desperately need the ONE thing that is not readily available.
"MOM!" He shouts from the train room.
"What??" I yell back from the kitchen, my hands a soapy mess from washing dishes.
"I can't find my red car. Can you help me find it?"
And so it begins. I set aside the chores to find "the red car" and I know the one he means. Not Lightning McQueen, not one of the 25 fire engines we have, not the red automoblox which can be taken apart and put back together. He is looking for the red Mega Blox car that has interchangeable pieces in a a variety of colors. After searching through 3 plastic bins of vehicles, I find it. It's exciting to see the familiar grey base and two red plastic pieces that make "the red car." I grab it and wave it in the air "Aha! Got it!"
Only then do I realize that I am alone. My son has disappeared into the next room to entertain himself as I searched for his toy. Now he is playing with his stuffed bird collection. I bring him the car "Here you go, one red car!" I smile proudly as I pass it to him.
"Oh cool," he mutters as he puts it down on the floor. "Mom, I can't find my black capped chickadee. Have you seen her?" And I sigh. Time to look for a bird. Perhaps a cuckoo bird, for surely I am losing my mind.
I wonder if this is just human nature, the seeking out what we cannot find. I know many of my friends who live in a constant state of searching. Most adults I know are like this. When faced with the many wonderful things in our lives, we seem only able to focus on that which we don't have. Perhaps it is a survival characteristic of sorts, to keep us moving forward as a species. I'm not sure.